A Semi-Charmed Life 2/4
Mar. 5th, 2009 09:41 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
oh_ameliaTitle: A Semi-Charmed Life
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
hsbfc
Beta:elyxer
Rating: R for language and content
Part: 2/4
Warnings: crack!fic, Michael-centric (and yet still a bit anti-Michael), AU, squick,
Summary: It’s been five years since we last saw Michael. What has he been up to?
Disclaimer: QUEER AS FOLK is property of COWLIP and SHOWTIME. I own nothing except for my Original Male Characters. Nor do I know anything about pregnancy or vasectomies or procedures. Nor have I ever had any experience with any of the products talked about. Things are made up and don’t need to make sense in real life situations.
Author’s Note: SEQUEL to Smile Like You Mean It
Author’s Notes 2: Thank you so much to SubPixel for the vid. I guess you really can find anything on YouTube. hehehe
Status: COMPLETE (to be posted in parts)
The Next Day
“Again, again!” Lois insisted.
“You guys wanna play again?” Michael asked his sons.
“Yes!” All three boys unanimously exclaimed.
“Okay,” Michael laughed. “Let’s get the board set up again.”
As the kids got everything ready, the alarm on Michael’s cell phone went off.
“Who is it, Daddy?” Benji asked.
“No one, buddy. Just a reminder for your old man,” he answered with a smile.
“Are we gonna play?” Clark asked.
“Yeah,” Michael said as he put his phone back in his pocket. “Let’s play.”
They ended up ordering pizza for dinner and playing board games until it was time to get ready for bed. It wasn’t until 10:00 that he had a moment to himself. He took an extra long shower and got comfortable in his pajama bottoms before seeing how his mold came out.
Michael carefully twisted it out of the tube and held it up for examination. “Hmm,” he hummed as he twisted the homemade custom vibrator in his hands. He retrieved his invoice and dialed the number for customer service.
“Hello, thank you for calling Holistic Wisdom, this is Rochelle speaking. How may I direct your call?”
“Yeah, I recently purchased one of your items, and I have to say that I am very disappointed in the results it produced,” Michael responded.
“Can you tell me which product you purchased?” Rochelle asked.
“The Clone-A-Willy kit,” Michael mumbled.
“I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t get that.”
“The Clone-A-Willy kit,” Michael repeated in a louder voice.
“And what exactly is the problem that you have with it?”
“I guess I let it sit too long or something, but the mixture seems to have shrunk.”
“Shrunk?” Rochelle asked, very confused.
“Yeah. The ‘cloned’ willy is no where near the size of my actual penis.”
“Sir, it isn’t possible for the mold to have shrunk if everything was done according to the instructions,” Rochelle said. “Even then, the only thing that would cause the mold to be smaller than your actual erect penis is if while making it, you were unable to sustain an erection. In which case, the faulty penis would not be because of the product, but of the consumer.”
“Fine, can I order another one?”
“Of course sir,” Rochelle said. “Okay, now if you can just give me your information I can get your order entered into the computer.”
The Next Day
After Jenny arrived at the house to watch the kids, Michael made his way over to Emmett’s.
“Here, catch,” he said as he entered Emmett’s office.
“What is it?” Emmett asked as he caught the flying object in his hand. “Oh, how cute,” he said as he examined the vibrator in his hands. “A miniature sized dildo. Where did you get this?”
“It’s not that small,” Michael said as he plopped down in a chair across from Emmett.
“Honey, please,” Emmett said. “The girth is average enough, but I’d need to send this thing in with a map if I wanted it to find my sweet spot.”
“I have one at home about that same size and it works just fine for me,” Michael said defensively.
“Maybe its because I’m taller?” Emmett said jokingly as he set the toy on his desk. “So, where did you get this from?”
“I, uh, ordered some stuff in the mail and they sent me that as a complimentary gift since I ordered so much,” Michael lied. “And since I already have one really, really similar like that at home, I thought maybe you’d enjoy it here when you pull an all-nighter. But if you don’t want it…”
“No, I’ll keep it,” Emmett said as he put it in his desk drawer. “If all else fails, at least I can use the vibrations to help me out.”
“Great.” Michael nodded as he shifted in the chair. “So, do you wanna have lunch today? I have to do some bookkeeping at the store but other than that I shouldn’t be too busy.”
“Sure.” Emmett nodded. “The diner around noon?”
“Sounds good. Later.”
At the store, Michael went to his office and looked over the books. After spending over an hour trying to make sense of Eddie’s system and failing, he decided to take a break and help Matt out in the store.
“Hey, Michael, you just missed the rush,” Matt said as he pushed close the register.
“Is there anything else out here you need help with?”
“No, but I do need to talk to you about something.”
“Okay.”
“I need to give you my notice.”
“About what?” Michael asked.
“I got a job at Kinnetik working for Mr. Kinney,” Matt answered. “I start in a couple weeks.”
“Wow,” Michael said, stunned. “I didn’t even know you were going to school.”
“Night classes. Anyway, I just thought I’d let you know. I just found out yesterday.”
“That’s just…great.”
“I’ve already been scoping out possible replacements. There have been a few people here and there mention that they’d love working here if anything ever came up.”
“Okay.” Michael nodded. “If you can, make me list and put it in my office for me to look at later. I’m gonna step out for a bit, but I should be back sometime after lunch.”
Michael spent the remainder of the morning at the diner, eating lemon bars and drinking coffee, as he waited for noon to come. Finally, Emmett came breezing through the door, followed by Ted just minutes later.
“Didn’t I tell you, Teddy,” Emmett said as he pulled out the dildo Michael had given him earlier out of his pocket and set it on the table. “Isn’t it the cutest little thing?”
“It is definitely little,” Ted said as he picked it up. “Michael, where did you get this from?”
“I got it as a complimentary gift when I ordered some stuff,” Michael answered.
“I bet they were a bunch of defective batches,” Ted said as he set the dildo on the table. “That’s the only reason they’d give out free vibrators.”
“It looks fine to me,” Michael said. “There’s nothing defective about it.”
“Todd, Nathan,” Emmett called out across the diner. “Come over here!”
“Hey, Todd,” Michael said. “How’s it going?”
“Fine.”
“What’s this?” Nathan picked up the dildo and held it up in the air to examine it.
“I think that that is probably the world’s smallest dildo,” Todd answered as he snatched it out of Nathan’s hand. “And a little misshapen, too.”
“It looks so natural though,” Nathan observed. “Very detailed.”
“No, no, no.” Todd shook his head. “Look at it from this angle.”
“Ooh, yeah. I see what you mean now,” Nathan said as he scooted in next to Ted.
“Where’d you guys get this thing anyway?” Todd asked, sitting beside Michael.
“It was a free promotional gift.”
“Like a virgin starter kit!” Nathan exclaimed.
“Yeah!” Todd agreed. “It is small enough to not get intimidated, but big enough to let you know its there.”
“Did they say what they were promoting?” Emmett asked Michael.
“I think it is supposed to be a surprise,” Michael replied. “You know, sending out random things that alone don’t make sense, but together work perfectly.”
“Makes sense,” Ted agreed.
“Where did you order from to get this?” Todd asked.
“Why?” Michael asked. “You don’t need a ‘virgin starter kit’ dildo.”
“It’s not for me,” Todd replied. “It’s for my cousin. He came out a little while ago and he’s still hesitant about the sex. This would be perfect for him to start out with. Not too big to get intimidated by, and when he takes the plunge and actually has sex with a real person the experience will be so much better that he’ll completely forget why he was scared in the first place.”
“Oh, Michael, you did it!” Debbie exclaimed as she took the dildo out of Todd’s hand. “It looks so great and realistic. Didn’t I tell you that you’d love it and you’d want to show it off to everyone?”
“What’d you get, Michael?” Emmett asked, a huge smile on his face.
“Nothing,” Michael grumbled under his breath.
“Deb?” Ted looked at Debbie hopefully.
“Don’t be shy about it, baby,” Debbie comforted her son. “Clone-a-willy kit. The results are fabulous. So real and exact.”
“Are you saying that this,” Ted inquired, as he took the dildo back from Debbie, ‘is an exact replica of Michael’s penis?”
“I’ve gotta go,” Michael said as he pushed Todd out of the booth.
“Wait! Come back!” Emmett called out to Michael’s back.
Michael ignored his friends and made his way down the street to his shop. He stopped in long enough to grab some papers and to ask Matt if he’d mind staying and closing up. After he got everything sorted, he went home and gave Jenny the rest of the day off.
The kids were thrilled to see him and they spent the rest of the day baking cookies, playing games and watching their favorite shows on TV.
When Michael finally went to bed later that night, he looked at his phone and noticed that he had 7 missed calls and 10 text messages. He closed his phone and decided to deal with everything in the morning.
A Week Later
“Are you sure you’re alright?” Emmett asked Michael while they all waited for Brian and Justin to arrive.
“For the thousandth time, yes,” Michael answered. “And I’ll be even better if you just drop the subject all together.”
“Okay, okay,” Emmett complied. “So, how are things going replacing Matt?”
“I have some interviews set up so hopefully I’ll be able to find someone before Matt leaves,” Michael answered.
“Well, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you,” Emmett said.
“It’s about fucking time!” Deb screeched.
Michael looked up and saw Brian and Justin making their way towards the table. They had a freshly fucked looked about them and they were grinning like idiots.
“I guess we don’t have to ask why you two are late,” Ted said, smirking.
“No.” Brian shook his head. “But we’ll be happy to give you a demonstration.
“Later,” Debbie said as she set a bowl of puttanesca on the table. “I don’t want my pasta getting cold.”
“Actually,” Justin said as he poured himself and Brian some wine, “we do have some news to share.”
“As you know, gay marriage was legalized last year,” Brian continued. “And—”
“Did you two get married?!” Lindsay interrupted.
“No, we didn’t,” Justin replied. “But we’re going to.”
“That’s fucking wonderful!” Debbie squealed.
“Congratulations,” Melanie said with a smile.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Lindsay said from the end of the table.
Michael breathed out a sigh of relief, thankful that Lindsay opened her mouth before he did. As much as he had grown to like Justin over the years, he didn’t want him marrying Brian.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Brian asked.
“Hard as I try, I can never imagine you as the marrying type,” Lindsay explained. “It’s just not you.”
“Lindsay, I’m really sorry that I, right now, don’t fit into this image you have of me in your head from who I was over a decade ago,” Brian said as he tried to remain calm. “But I’m not going to change who I am just to placate you.”
“I know you’ve changed, Brian,” Lindsay said softly. “I just don’t think that you’ve changed that much.”
“Anyway,” Brian continued, ignoring Lindsay, “we haven’t set a date yet, but we do know that we want it to be soon. I’ve already decided that Gus will be my best man.”
“And Nathan, of course, will be mine,” Justin added.
“That’s really great guys,” Michael said as he forced a smile. “I’m really happy for you both.”
“Thanks, Michael,” Brian said, smiling.
“So who is up for Babylon tonight!” Emmett exclaimed. “We have some celebrating to do!”
At Babylon while the rest of the gang stayed mostly together at the bar and on the dance floor, Michael made good use of the backroom to vent his frustrations. He hadn’t had actual sex with another person in over two years, and was making up for lost time.
Finally, when it was time to go home, Brian had to drag him out, drive him home and make sure that he got into bed safely.
~~oo00oo~~
Two weeks later Michael found himself back in Dr. Russell’s office.
“I want a vasectomy,” Michael said as soon as Dr. Russell entered the room and sat down.
“Why the sudden change of heart?”
“For the past week I haven’t been able to keep anything down,” Michael began. “My chest is sensitive to the touch, and I’m about 90% sure that I’m pregnant.”
“Okay,” Dr. Russell said, nodding his head.
“And I’m hoping that I fall in the 10% of not being pregnant. I don’t want to risk it anymore. I want a vasectomy.”
“We’d have to run some tests first,” Dr. Russell said as he opened Michael’s file. “And before we do any of that, I’d like you to speak with our counselor. He teaches young teens about sexual safety.”
“I don’t need to talk to anyone about safe sex,” Michael said bitterly.
“I beg to differ, Mr. Novotny,” Dr. Russell said. “You’ve been pregnant three times in the past five years. All of them were unplanned.”
“Those were accidents! The condom broke.”
“Even though you do, you’ll need to talk to a counselor before we can proceed with the vasectomy. Since it might have the same kind of implications a hysterectomy might have on a woman, the hospital likes to make sure the decision was thought out,” Dr. Russell explained. “So just go to a couple meetings and then you can get the vasectomy. Pending the results of your pregnancy test.”
“Fine, okay,” Michael sighed.
“I’ll call up at the front and see if Abby can call down to see if Mr. Montgomery is free now.”
“Great,” Michael mumbled. He massaged his temples and closed his eyes while Dr. Russell called Abby.
“Great news! You can go down there right now,” Dr. Russell said after he hung up the phone. “Abby will take you there.”
Michael met Abby in the hallway and she led him down the hall to the Counselor’s area.
“Just go on in,” Abby said. “He’s expecting you.”
“Thanks.” Michael nodded and knocked on the door before opening it. “Mr. Montgomery?”
“Please, call me Hunter.”
“I understand you’ve been having some problems over the past few years,” Hunter began when Michael sat down across from him.
“Not problems.” Michael shook his head. “More like the occasional accident here and there.”
“Do you get tested regularly?”
“Of course,” Michael replied.
“I see your last test was more than two years ago,” Hunter said, reading off his computer screen. “Care to explain?”
“Well, up until two weeks ago, I haven’t needed a reason to have one,” Michael answered.
“Mr. Novotny, do you realize that even when used correctly, condoms are only 97% effective?” Hunter asked. “And when they are not used correctly, they are only 87% effective.”
“Yeah, I know all of that.”
“Knowing and doing are two separate things, though,” Hunter said.
“Again, I know,” Michael repeated.
“Here, show me how to correctly put this on,” Hunter said as he set a condom and a dildo on the desk.
“I’m sorry, you want me to do what?” Michael asked, frowning.
“You say you know how to do this; now show me,” Hunter said plainly.
“Show you?” Michael asked, still not believing what he was hearing.
“Yes, show me. It’s all part of the process.”
“Fine,” Michael sighed as he ripped open the packet. “But you know, you really shouldn’t use such a large example. If you get a young kid in here you’ll scare the living daylights out of him with that thing. It’s huge!”
“Thanks, man,” Hunter said with a smile.
“What for?” Michael asked. ”And can you either get me a bigger condom or a smaller dildo.”
“My friends and I made those ourselves,” Hunter answered as he set a variety box of condoms in front of Michael. “That particular model in front of you is mine.”
“And this is approved by the AMA?” Michael asked.
“Sure.” Hunter nodded. “We’d never compromise the integrity of our hospital.”
“So, what did you use to make the molds from?” Michael asked as he dug through the box of condoms to find an appropriate size.
“Clone-A-Willy,” Hunter answered. “It works wonderful. Recommended very highly.”
“I don’t,” Michael scoffed as he opened a new condom package and began to put it on the dildo. “I tried it out and it completely messed up on me.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Hunter said as he took the condom away from Michael. “You’re doing it all wrong.”
“I’ve been doing it like this for the past twenty four years of my life,” Michael said. “I think I know how to put a condom on.”
“Which is maybe why you’ve gotten pregnant three times in the past five years,” Hunter countered. “Listen, man, I’m just trying to help you here.”
“I don’t need your help,” Michael said through gritted teeth. “All I need is for you to do whatever you need to do so I can get a vasectomy.”
“Let’s meet again next week,” Hunter said as he typed on his computer. “I have some time free around lunch time on Wednesday. You can find out the results of your pregnancy test at the same time.”
“Fine. The quicker we can get this over with the quicker I can get on with my life,” Michael said as he stood up and made his way to the door. “I’ll see you next week.”
The Next Week
“Are you sad, Daddy?” Lois asked as she looked up at her father.
“A little bit, baby.” Michael nodded.
“You be okay now.” Lois kissed her father on the cheek and patted his hand.
“Thanks, honey. All better now.” Michael smiled. “Why don’t you go play with your brothers? I need to talk with Em.”
“Okay!” Lois smiled and ran over and joined her brothers in the ball pool.
“How are you really?” Emmett asked. “What did you find out?”
“I found out that I am fucking pregnant again,” Michael answered. “How do you think I am?”
“I thought you were going to get a vasectomy.”
“That’s what I planned on doing but my doctors wouldn’t do it.”
“Why not?”
“After they found out I was pregnant they decided that having a vasectomy would be too dangerous,” Michael answered bitterly.
“I thought that a vasectomy was non-invasive and not dangerous,” Emmett replied.
“Yeah, me too, but considering my situation and everything they weren’t sure of the impact it would have.”
“So, you’re gonna have it, then?” Emmett asked.
“I am.” Michael nodded. “I can’t imagine not having it. But after this one, I am most definitely getting a vasectomy.”
“When are you gonna tell everyone else?”
“Later. After I’m past that precocious period.”
“Well, I’m here for you, baby,” Emmett said as he wrapped his arm around Michael’s shoulders. “Anything you need.”
“Thanks, Em.” Michael smiled. “Now what do you say we go have fun in the ball pen before I get too fat to move around?”
“Come on,” Emmett said as he held out his hand and pulled Michael up to his feet. “After you.”
Author:
hsbfc Beta:
elyxerRating: R for language and content
Part: 2/4
Warnings: crack!fic, Michael-centric (and yet still a bit anti-Michael), AU, squick,
Summary: It’s been five years since we last saw Michael. What has he been up to?
Disclaimer: QUEER AS FOLK is property of COWLIP and SHOWTIME. I own nothing except for my Original Male Characters. Nor do I know anything about pregnancy or vasectomies or procedures. Nor have I ever had any experience with any of the products talked about. Things are made up and don’t need to make sense in real life situations.
Author’s Note: SEQUEL to Smile Like You Mean It
Author’s Notes 2: Thank you so much to SubPixel for the vid. I guess you really can find anything on YouTube. hehehe
Status: COMPLETE (to be posted in parts)
The Next Day
“Again, again!” Lois insisted.
“You guys wanna play again?” Michael asked his sons.
“Yes!” All three boys unanimously exclaimed.
“Okay,” Michael laughed. “Let’s get the board set up again.”
As the kids got everything ready, the alarm on Michael’s cell phone went off.
“Who is it, Daddy?” Benji asked.
“No one, buddy. Just a reminder for your old man,” he answered with a smile.
“Are we gonna play?” Clark asked.
“Yeah,” Michael said as he put his phone back in his pocket. “Let’s play.”
They ended up ordering pizza for dinner and playing board games until it was time to get ready for bed. It wasn’t until 10:00 that he had a moment to himself. He took an extra long shower and got comfortable in his pajama bottoms before seeing how his mold came out.
Michael carefully twisted it out of the tube and held it up for examination. “Hmm,” he hummed as he twisted the homemade custom vibrator in his hands. He retrieved his invoice and dialed the number for customer service.
“Hello, thank you for calling Holistic Wisdom, this is Rochelle speaking. How may I direct your call?”
“Yeah, I recently purchased one of your items, and I have to say that I am very disappointed in the results it produced,” Michael responded.
“Can you tell me which product you purchased?” Rochelle asked.
“The Clone-A-Willy kit,” Michael mumbled.
“I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t get that.”
“The Clone-A-Willy kit,” Michael repeated in a louder voice.
“And what exactly is the problem that you have with it?”
“I guess I let it sit too long or something, but the mixture seems to have shrunk.”
“Shrunk?” Rochelle asked, very confused.
“Yeah. The ‘cloned’ willy is no where near the size of my actual penis.”
“Sir, it isn’t possible for the mold to have shrunk if everything was done according to the instructions,” Rochelle said. “Even then, the only thing that would cause the mold to be smaller than your actual erect penis is if while making it, you were unable to sustain an erection. In which case, the faulty penis would not be because of the product, but of the consumer.”
“Fine, can I order another one?”
“Of course sir,” Rochelle said. “Okay, now if you can just give me your information I can get your order entered into the computer.”
The Next Day
After Jenny arrived at the house to watch the kids, Michael made his way over to Emmett’s.
“Here, catch,” he said as he entered Emmett’s office.
“What is it?” Emmett asked as he caught the flying object in his hand. “Oh, how cute,” he said as he examined the vibrator in his hands. “A miniature sized dildo. Where did you get this?”
“It’s not that small,” Michael said as he plopped down in a chair across from Emmett.
“Honey, please,” Emmett said. “The girth is average enough, but I’d need to send this thing in with a map if I wanted it to find my sweet spot.”
“I have one at home about that same size and it works just fine for me,” Michael said defensively.
“Maybe its because I’m taller?” Emmett said jokingly as he set the toy on his desk. “So, where did you get this from?”
“I, uh, ordered some stuff in the mail and they sent me that as a complimentary gift since I ordered so much,” Michael lied. “And since I already have one really, really similar like that at home, I thought maybe you’d enjoy it here when you pull an all-nighter. But if you don’t want it…”
“No, I’ll keep it,” Emmett said as he put it in his desk drawer. “If all else fails, at least I can use the vibrations to help me out.”
“Great.” Michael nodded as he shifted in the chair. “So, do you wanna have lunch today? I have to do some bookkeeping at the store but other than that I shouldn’t be too busy.”
“Sure.” Emmett nodded. “The diner around noon?”
“Sounds good. Later.”
At the store, Michael went to his office and looked over the books. After spending over an hour trying to make sense of Eddie’s system and failing, he decided to take a break and help Matt out in the store.
“Hey, Michael, you just missed the rush,” Matt said as he pushed close the register.
“Is there anything else out here you need help with?”
“No, but I do need to talk to you about something.”
“Okay.”
“I need to give you my notice.”
“About what?” Michael asked.
“I got a job at Kinnetik working for Mr. Kinney,” Matt answered. “I start in a couple weeks.”
“Wow,” Michael said, stunned. “I didn’t even know you were going to school.”
“Night classes. Anyway, I just thought I’d let you know. I just found out yesterday.”
“That’s just…great.”
“I’ve already been scoping out possible replacements. There have been a few people here and there mention that they’d love working here if anything ever came up.”
“Okay.” Michael nodded. “If you can, make me list and put it in my office for me to look at later. I’m gonna step out for a bit, but I should be back sometime after lunch.”
Michael spent the remainder of the morning at the diner, eating lemon bars and drinking coffee, as he waited for noon to come. Finally, Emmett came breezing through the door, followed by Ted just minutes later.
“Didn’t I tell you, Teddy,” Emmett said as he pulled out the dildo Michael had given him earlier out of his pocket and set it on the table. “Isn’t it the cutest little thing?”
“It is definitely little,” Ted said as he picked it up. “Michael, where did you get this from?”
“I got it as a complimentary gift when I ordered some stuff,” Michael answered.
“I bet they were a bunch of defective batches,” Ted said as he set the dildo on the table. “That’s the only reason they’d give out free vibrators.”
“It looks fine to me,” Michael said. “There’s nothing defective about it.”
“Todd, Nathan,” Emmett called out across the diner. “Come over here!”
“Hey, Todd,” Michael said. “How’s it going?”
“Fine.”
“What’s this?” Nathan picked up the dildo and held it up in the air to examine it.
“I think that that is probably the world’s smallest dildo,” Todd answered as he snatched it out of Nathan’s hand. “And a little misshapen, too.”
“It looks so natural though,” Nathan observed. “Very detailed.”
“No, no, no.” Todd shook his head. “Look at it from this angle.”
“Ooh, yeah. I see what you mean now,” Nathan said as he scooted in next to Ted.
“Where’d you guys get this thing anyway?” Todd asked, sitting beside Michael.
“It was a free promotional gift.”
“Like a virgin starter kit!” Nathan exclaimed.
“Yeah!” Todd agreed. “It is small enough to not get intimidated, but big enough to let you know its there.”
“Did they say what they were promoting?” Emmett asked Michael.
“I think it is supposed to be a surprise,” Michael replied. “You know, sending out random things that alone don’t make sense, but together work perfectly.”
“Makes sense,” Ted agreed.
“Where did you order from to get this?” Todd asked.
“Why?” Michael asked. “You don’t need a ‘virgin starter kit’ dildo.”
“It’s not for me,” Todd replied. “It’s for my cousin. He came out a little while ago and he’s still hesitant about the sex. This would be perfect for him to start out with. Not too big to get intimidated by, and when he takes the plunge and actually has sex with a real person the experience will be so much better that he’ll completely forget why he was scared in the first place.”
“Oh, Michael, you did it!” Debbie exclaimed as she took the dildo out of Todd’s hand. “It looks so great and realistic. Didn’t I tell you that you’d love it and you’d want to show it off to everyone?”
“What’d you get, Michael?” Emmett asked, a huge smile on his face.
“Nothing,” Michael grumbled under his breath.
“Deb?” Ted looked at Debbie hopefully.
“Don’t be shy about it, baby,” Debbie comforted her son. “Clone-a-willy kit. The results are fabulous. So real and exact.”
“Are you saying that this,” Ted inquired, as he took the dildo back from Debbie, ‘is an exact replica of Michael’s penis?”
“I’ve gotta go,” Michael said as he pushed Todd out of the booth.
“Wait! Come back!” Emmett called out to Michael’s back.
Michael ignored his friends and made his way down the street to his shop. He stopped in long enough to grab some papers and to ask Matt if he’d mind staying and closing up. After he got everything sorted, he went home and gave Jenny the rest of the day off.
The kids were thrilled to see him and they spent the rest of the day baking cookies, playing games and watching their favorite shows on TV.
When Michael finally went to bed later that night, he looked at his phone and noticed that he had 7 missed calls and 10 text messages. He closed his phone and decided to deal with everything in the morning.
A Week Later
“Are you sure you’re alright?” Emmett asked Michael while they all waited for Brian and Justin to arrive.
“For the thousandth time, yes,” Michael answered. “And I’ll be even better if you just drop the subject all together.”
“Okay, okay,” Emmett complied. “So, how are things going replacing Matt?”
“I have some interviews set up so hopefully I’ll be able to find someone before Matt leaves,” Michael answered.
“Well, I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you,” Emmett said.
“It’s about fucking time!” Deb screeched.
Michael looked up and saw Brian and Justin making their way towards the table. They had a freshly fucked looked about them and they were grinning like idiots.
“I guess we don’t have to ask why you two are late,” Ted said, smirking.
“No.” Brian shook his head. “But we’ll be happy to give you a demonstration.
“Later,” Debbie said as she set a bowl of puttanesca on the table. “I don’t want my pasta getting cold.”
“Actually,” Justin said as he poured himself and Brian some wine, “we do have some news to share.”
“As you know, gay marriage was legalized last year,” Brian continued. “And—”
“Did you two get married?!” Lindsay interrupted.
“No, we didn’t,” Justin replied. “But we’re going to.”
“That’s fucking wonderful!” Debbie squealed.
“Congratulations,” Melanie said with a smile.
“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” Lindsay said from the end of the table.
Michael breathed out a sigh of relief, thankful that Lindsay opened her mouth before he did. As much as he had grown to like Justin over the years, he didn’t want him marrying Brian.
“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Brian asked.
“Hard as I try, I can never imagine you as the marrying type,” Lindsay explained. “It’s just not you.”
“Lindsay, I’m really sorry that I, right now, don’t fit into this image you have of me in your head from who I was over a decade ago,” Brian said as he tried to remain calm. “But I’m not going to change who I am just to placate you.”
“I know you’ve changed, Brian,” Lindsay said softly. “I just don’t think that you’ve changed that much.”
“Anyway,” Brian continued, ignoring Lindsay, “we haven’t set a date yet, but we do know that we want it to be soon. I’ve already decided that Gus will be my best man.”
“And Nathan, of course, will be mine,” Justin added.
“That’s really great guys,” Michael said as he forced a smile. “I’m really happy for you both.”
“Thanks, Michael,” Brian said, smiling.
“So who is up for Babylon tonight!” Emmett exclaimed. “We have some celebrating to do!”
At Babylon while the rest of the gang stayed mostly together at the bar and on the dance floor, Michael made good use of the backroom to vent his frustrations. He hadn’t had actual sex with another person in over two years, and was making up for lost time.
Finally, when it was time to go home, Brian had to drag him out, drive him home and make sure that he got into bed safely.
Two weeks later Michael found himself back in Dr. Russell’s office.
“I want a vasectomy,” Michael said as soon as Dr. Russell entered the room and sat down.
“Why the sudden change of heart?”
“For the past week I haven’t been able to keep anything down,” Michael began. “My chest is sensitive to the touch, and I’m about 90% sure that I’m pregnant.”
“Okay,” Dr. Russell said, nodding his head.
“And I’m hoping that I fall in the 10% of not being pregnant. I don’t want to risk it anymore. I want a vasectomy.”
“We’d have to run some tests first,” Dr. Russell said as he opened Michael’s file. “And before we do any of that, I’d like you to speak with our counselor. He teaches young teens about sexual safety.”
“I don’t need to talk to anyone about safe sex,” Michael said bitterly.
“I beg to differ, Mr. Novotny,” Dr. Russell said. “You’ve been pregnant three times in the past five years. All of them were unplanned.”
“Those were accidents! The condom broke.”
“Even though you do, you’ll need to talk to a counselor before we can proceed with the vasectomy. Since it might have the same kind of implications a hysterectomy might have on a woman, the hospital likes to make sure the decision was thought out,” Dr. Russell explained. “So just go to a couple meetings and then you can get the vasectomy. Pending the results of your pregnancy test.”
“Fine, okay,” Michael sighed.
“I’ll call up at the front and see if Abby can call down to see if Mr. Montgomery is free now.”
“Great,” Michael mumbled. He massaged his temples and closed his eyes while Dr. Russell called Abby.
“Great news! You can go down there right now,” Dr. Russell said after he hung up the phone. “Abby will take you there.”
Michael met Abby in the hallway and she led him down the hall to the Counselor’s area.
“Just go on in,” Abby said. “He’s expecting you.”
“Thanks.” Michael nodded and knocked on the door before opening it. “Mr. Montgomery?”
“Please, call me Hunter.”
“I understand you’ve been having some problems over the past few years,” Hunter began when Michael sat down across from him.
“Not problems.” Michael shook his head. “More like the occasional accident here and there.”
“Do you get tested regularly?”
“Of course,” Michael replied.
“I see your last test was more than two years ago,” Hunter said, reading off his computer screen. “Care to explain?”
“Well, up until two weeks ago, I haven’t needed a reason to have one,” Michael answered.
“Mr. Novotny, do you realize that even when used correctly, condoms are only 97% effective?” Hunter asked. “And when they are not used correctly, they are only 87% effective.”
“Yeah, I know all of that.”
“Knowing and doing are two separate things, though,” Hunter said.
“Again, I know,” Michael repeated.
“Here, show me how to correctly put this on,” Hunter said as he set a condom and a dildo on the desk.
“I’m sorry, you want me to do what?” Michael asked, frowning.
“You say you know how to do this; now show me,” Hunter said plainly.
“Show you?” Michael asked, still not believing what he was hearing.
“Yes, show me. It’s all part of the process.”
“Fine,” Michael sighed as he ripped open the packet. “But you know, you really shouldn’t use such a large example. If you get a young kid in here you’ll scare the living daylights out of him with that thing. It’s huge!”
“Thanks, man,” Hunter said with a smile.
“What for?” Michael asked. ”And can you either get me a bigger condom or a smaller dildo.”
“My friends and I made those ourselves,” Hunter answered as he set a variety box of condoms in front of Michael. “That particular model in front of you is mine.”
“And this is approved by the AMA?” Michael asked.
“Sure.” Hunter nodded. “We’d never compromise the integrity of our hospital.”
“So, what did you use to make the molds from?” Michael asked as he dug through the box of condoms to find an appropriate size.
“Clone-A-Willy,” Hunter answered. “It works wonderful. Recommended very highly.”
“I don’t,” Michael scoffed as he opened a new condom package and began to put it on the dildo. “I tried it out and it completely messed up on me.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Hunter said as he took the condom away from Michael. “You’re doing it all wrong.”
“I’ve been doing it like this for the past twenty four years of my life,” Michael said. “I think I know how to put a condom on.”
“Which is maybe why you’ve gotten pregnant three times in the past five years,” Hunter countered. “Listen, man, I’m just trying to help you here.”
“I don’t need your help,” Michael said through gritted teeth. “All I need is for you to do whatever you need to do so I can get a vasectomy.”
“Let’s meet again next week,” Hunter said as he typed on his computer. “I have some time free around lunch time on Wednesday. You can find out the results of your pregnancy test at the same time.”
“Fine. The quicker we can get this over with the quicker I can get on with my life,” Michael said as he stood up and made his way to the door. “I’ll see you next week.”
The Next Week
“Are you sad, Daddy?” Lois asked as she looked up at her father.
“A little bit, baby.” Michael nodded.
“You be okay now.” Lois kissed her father on the cheek and patted his hand.
“Thanks, honey. All better now.” Michael smiled. “Why don’t you go play with your brothers? I need to talk with Em.”
“Okay!” Lois smiled and ran over and joined her brothers in the ball pool.
“How are you really?” Emmett asked. “What did you find out?”
“I found out that I am fucking pregnant again,” Michael answered. “How do you think I am?”
“I thought you were going to get a vasectomy.”
“That’s what I planned on doing but my doctors wouldn’t do it.”
“Why not?”
“After they found out I was pregnant they decided that having a vasectomy would be too dangerous,” Michael answered bitterly.
“I thought that a vasectomy was non-invasive and not dangerous,” Emmett replied.
“Yeah, me too, but considering my situation and everything they weren’t sure of the impact it would have.”
“So, you’re gonna have it, then?” Emmett asked.
“I am.” Michael nodded. “I can’t imagine not having it. But after this one, I am most definitely getting a vasectomy.”
“When are you gonna tell everyone else?”
“Later. After I’m past that precocious period.”
“Well, I’m here for you, baby,” Emmett said as he wrapped his arm around Michael’s shoulders. “Anything you need.”
“Thanks, Em.” Michael smiled. “Now what do you say we go have fun in the ball pen before I get too fat to move around?”
“Come on,” Emmett said as he held out his hand and pulled Michael up to his feet. “After you.”
